Wash: (playing with dinosaur toys)  Everything looks good from here... Yes. Yes, this is a fertile land, and we will thrive. (as Stegosaurus) We will rule over all this land, and we will call it... "This Land."
(as T-Rex) I think we should call it "your grave!" (as Stegosaurus) Ah, curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal! (as T-Rex) Ha ha HA! Mine is an evil laugh! Now die! (as Stegosaurus) Oh, no, God! Oh, dear God in heaven!

Kaylee: They're awfully pretty...
Wash: I'd say worth a little risk.
Jayne: Yeah, that was some pretty risky sittin' you did there.
Wash: That's right, of course, 'cause they wouldn't arrest me if we got boarded, I'm just the pilot. I can always say I was flying the ship by accident.

Wash: Don't forget to call him 'sir'. He likes that.

Wash: Can we maybe vote on the whole murdering people issue?

Jayne: Here's a little concept I been workin' on. Why don't we shoot her first?
Wash: It is her turn.

Wash: (in reference to Jayne) Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?

Wash: (after alert goes off) Oh my god. What can it be? We're all doomed! Who's flying this thing!? Oh right, that would be me. Back to work.

Jayne: Tell you what I think. I think that fellow we ran into did everyone on board, killed them all, then decided to take a swim through space, see how fast his blood would boil out of his ears.
Wash: You're a very "up" person.

Wash: (discussing Zoe) The legs. Oh yeah, definitely have to say it was her legs. You can put that down. Her legs, and where her legs meet her back. Actually, that whole area. That, and above it.

Wash: Have you seen what she wears? Forget about it. Have you ever been with a warrior woman?

Zoe: Wasn't planning on the dirt-kissing, sir.
Wash: Besides, I wouldn't stand for it anyway, Captain, jealous man like me.

Zoe: Planet's coming up a mite fast.
Wash: That's just cause, I'm going down too quick. Likely crash and kill us all.
Mal: Well, that happens, let me know.

Zoe: Too much foofaraw. If I'm going to wear a dress, I'd want something with some slink.
Wash: You want a slinky dress? I can buy you a slinky dress. Captain, can I have money for a slinky dress?

Wash: Don't fall asleep now. Sleepiness is weakness of character. Ask anyone. You're acting captain. Know what happens you fall asleep now?
Zoe: Jayne slits my throat and takes over.
Wash: That's right.
Zoe: And we can't stop it.
Wash: Well, I wash my hands of it. It's a hopeless case. I'll read a nice poem at the funeral. Something with imagery.
Zoe: You could lock the door and keep the power-hungry maniac at bay.
Wash: Oh, no, I'm starting to like this poetry idea now. "Here lies my beloved Zoe, my autumn flower, somewhat less attractive now she's all corpsified and gross..."

Jayne: We was just about to spring into action, Captain. Complicated escape and rescue op.
Wash: I was going to watch. It was very exciting.

Zoe: Next time we smuggle stock, let's make it something smaller.
Wash: Yeah, we should start dealing in those black-market beagles.

Kaylee: You got married?!
Simon: Well, that's, uh... Congratulations.
Wash: We'd always hoped you two kids would get together. (pauses) Who is she?

Mal: You know what, you all are makin' a big deal. I would appreciate it if someone on this boat would not assume that I'm an evil lecherous hwin dan.
Zoe: Nobody's saying that, sir.
Wash: Yeah, we're pretty much just giving each other significant glances and laughing incessantly.

Wash: Every planet has its own weird customs. About a year before we met, I spent six weeks on a moon where the principal form of recreation was juggling geese. My hand of god. Baby geese. Goslings. They were juggled.
Zoe: Of course. The man rushes in to defend her.
Wash: I'm talking about geese.

Wash: Is there anything else on your mind that I should know about? There are all kinds of twists and cul de sacs. It's wild!

Wash: Whoa. Good myth.

Wash: Do I wish I was somebody else right now. Somebody not... married, not madly in love with a beautiful woman who can kill me with her pinkie!
Saffron: I've been too forward.
Wash: No! Well, yes, but I actually like that in a woman. That's part of why Zoe and I are, as recently mentioned, married.

Zoe: She can fly this thing, or just take the shuttle.
Wash: Maybe she likes shuttles. (off of Zoe's look) Some people juggle geese!

Wash: What happened to Simon? Who is this diabolical master of disguise?

Wash: (looking at the Jayne statue)  I think they captured him, though - you know...captured his essence.
Kaylee: Looks sort of angry, don't he?
Wash: That's kinda what I meant.

Wash: We gotta go to the crappy town where I'm a hero!

Wash: Monastic humor. I miss out on all the fun.

Wash: What do you expect me to do, Mal?
Mal: Whatever you have to. And if you can't do it from here, then get a suit on and get out on the side of the boat and --
Wash: And what? Wave my arms around?
Mal: Wave your arms around, jump up and down. Divert the nav sats to the transmitter. Whatever.
Wash: Divert the...? Right. Because teenage pranks are fun when you're about to die.
Mal: Give the beacon a boost, wouldn't it?
Wash: Yes, Mal. It would boost the signal, but even if some passerby did happen to receive, all it'd do is muck up their navigation.
Mal: Could be that's true.
Wash: Damn right, it's true! They'd be forced to stop and dig out our signal before they could even go any place! (pauses) Well, maybe I should do that, then!
Mal: Maybe you should!
Wash: Okay!
Mal: Good!
Wash: Fine!

Wash: Can I use companion as a verb?

Wash: So, two days in a hospital? That's awful. Don't you just hate doctors?
Simon: Hey.
Wash: I mean, present company excluded.

Zoe: Can we fly somewhere with a beach?
Wash: Maybe a naked beach?

Zoe: Know what a Grizwald is?
Jayne: It's a grenade.
Zoe: About the size of a battery. Responds to pressure. Our platoon was stuck in a trench outside of New Kasmir during the winter campaign. More'n a week, completely cut off, and the Alliance entrenched not ten yards away. We even got to talkin' to 'em, yelling across insults and jokes and such, 'cause no ammo to speak of, no orders, so what are you gonna do? We mentioned that we were out of rations, and ten minutes later, a bunch of apples rained into the trench.
Wash: And they grew into a big tree, and they all climbed up the tree into a magical land with unicorns and a harp.

Zoe: Is there any way I'm gonna get out of this with honor and dignity?
Wash: You're pretty much down to ritual suicide, lambie-toes.

Zoe: Well, I tend to agree with him.
Wash: Tend to, or have to? I love the fact that you two are old army buddies -- you have wacky stories that have ribcages in them, but could
you have an opinion of your own, please?

Zoe: I thought your plan was too risky. I thought.
Wash: Then tell me. I am a large, semi-muscular man. I can take it.

Mal: Well get it set, would you, Wash? We gotta get moving.
Wash: Here's a funny twist: no.

Wash: Bye, hon! We promise not to stop for beers with the fellas! (to Mal) So, are we gonna sing army songs, or something?

Wash: Hey, I've been in a firefight before! Well, I was in a fire. Actually, I was fired from a fry-cook opportunity.

Mal: You okay?
Wash: I think I've been kidnapped.

Wash: I don't want you to spare me, Mal. If you think you know what's happening, then you tell me. You wouldn't spare Zoe if she were in this situation with you, would you? You would be planning, and plotting and... possibly scheming. So whatever Zoe would do in this instance is what I wanna do. Do you know why? No matter how ugly it gets, you two always come back with the stories. So... I'm Zoe. Now, what do I do?
Mal: Probably not talk quite so much.
Wash: Right. Less talking. She's terse. I can be terse. Once in flight school, I was laconic.

Wash: I mean, I'm the one she swore to love, honor and obey.
Mal: Listen... She swore to obey?
Wash: Well, no, not... But that's just my point! You she obeys! She obeys you! There's obeying going on right under my nose!

Wash: This whole Captain thing isn't Zoe's trouble. It's the-guy-she-never-slept-with thing. Hell, Mal, I wish you had slept with her. Then at least she'd be over it.
Mal: Oh, you want me to sleep with her? Would that make you feel better?
Wash: It might.
Mal: Oh, I'd imagine it would do wonders for her, too.
Wash: Screw you!
Mal: Get in line.

Wash: Technically, it's a one-man/one-woman assault. A unisex.

Wash: I'm confused...
Saffron: You're asking yourself if I've got the security codes, why don't I just go in and grab it for myself -- why cut you in?
Wash: No. Actually... I was wondering... (to Mal) What's she doing on the ship!? Didn't she try to kill us?

Wash: We're in space. How'd she get here?
Mal: She hitched.
Wash: I don't recall pulling over.

Wash: Oh my god, it's grotesque! Oh, and there's something in a jar.

Wash: (to the fetus in the jar) Do not fear me. Ours is a peaceful race, and we must live in harmony...

Wash: A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything.

Mal: They call back, you keep them occupied.
Wash: What do I do, shadow puppets?

Jayne: Man, my John Thomas is gonna pop off and fly around the room, there's so much tasty here.
Wash: Would be you get your most poetical about your pecker.

Kaylee: Wash, tell me I'm pretty...
Wash: Were I unwed, I would take you in a manly fashion.
Kaylee: 'Cause I'm pretty?
Wash: 'Cause you're pretty.
Kaylee: Thank you. That was very restorative.

Kaylee: Captain seem a little funny to you at breakfast this morning?
Wash: Come on, Kaylee. We all know I'm the funny one.

Wash: Little River just gets more colorful by the moment. What'll she do next?
Zoe: Either blow us all up or rub soup in our hair. It's a toss-up.
Wash: I hope she does the soup thing. It's always a hoot, and we don't all die from it.

Jayne: Anybody remember her comin' at me with a butcher's knife?
Wash: Wacky fun.
Jayne: You wanna go, little man?
Wash: Only if it's someplace with candlelight.

Wash: Yes, Jayne. She's a witch. She has had congress with the beast.
Jayne: She's in Congress?
Wash: How did your brain even learn human speech? I'm just so curious.

Wash: Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction.
Zoe: We live in a space ship, dear.
Wash: So?

River: He's faster than you -- all of you. And he's wearing armor.
Wash: What about his face? Is his face wearing armor?

Wash: Can I mop your brow? I am at the ready with the fearsome brow-mop.